Gods and Pokers
by duchess-susan
Summary: The gods take a lesson from Susan and Teatime and start fighting with pokers...and toasting forks. One-shot. Thanks to She Who Shines.
1. Chapter 1

**Basically I was reading 'Cheating Fate' by She Who Shines (many thanks) and realised how fun it would be to have the gods of the Disc fighting with pokers, Teatime and Susan style. Read, enjoy and review. And read 'Cheating Fate' if you haven't already. PS-the mention of Astoria and a god of blacksmiths is based on an ancient Greek myth that had Aphrodite coupled with Zeus' divine blacksmith (who was monstrously ugly), who forged all his thunderbolts. Or something. Applause for anyone who figures out what Bmuhtymwo means (and to anyone who knows about a certain vampire alchemist-guess who Cassanite is modelled on?). **

One Hogswatch an assassin and the granddaughter of Death fought. Fireside equipment was involved. And because the gods enjoy drama they watched. And learned...Eternity is boring and even the gods have to find a way to pass the time. Pokers and toasting forks had arrived and chaos reigned.

The Lady enjoyed this game, very much. She was good at it. She managed to break one of Offler's tusks with a vicious sweep of the poker. He looked shocked, which is a strange thing for a biped crocodile to attempt, snarled, then lunged with the toasting fork. The Lady just laughed and spiralled away.

Until she felt cold metal at her side. Fate had caught up with her, having won a small skirmish with Anoia, goddess of stuck drawers. And volcanoes. Who was now trying to remove her toasting fork from a marble pillar in which it had, ironically, got stuck. Anoia had only chosen a toasting fork because she was used to dealing with cutlery, rather than fireside equipment.

Jet eyes locked with emeralds, as pokers met between them.

'Lady this is such a foolish game. You cannot hold out forever. You never do. I _always _win.'

'Not in the short term.'

Fate nodded a semi-agreement, span his poker, stabbed backwards, and seriously damaged one of Blind Io's floating eyes. Io himself had refused to join in, instead just watching from various different angles.

'Why does he watch us so? He knows he is only chief of the gods because we allow it.' The Lady smiled.

'Precisely why he should watch us _very _closely. We are the only two truly immortal gods, and the others fear us for it. We shall always have followers, and we don't even have to try, but they struggle for every convert.' Fate and the Lady were parrying each other's blows effortlessly while conversing.

A few yards away Wyzaikera, goddess of wisdom (and also drunken students-someone has to do it), had just tripped over Offler, who was grovelling on the floor trying to find his eye, and swiping at any of Blind Io's eyes that got too close. The god of stupidity, Idiotus, was too busy laughing to realise that Chance had stabbed him with a poker. Anoia, meanwhile, was busily praying to herself, in the hope that the toasting fork would come free. When it flew to her hand she smiled, lit a cigarette, then smacked goddess of alchemy, Cassanite, over the head with the toasting fork. Cassanite replied with a small explosion which resulted in Anoia's cigarette disappearing, a lot of smoke, and the iron of the toasting fork morphing into gold. Grinning triumphantly Cassanite scythed the top of the toasting fork off with her poker.

Blind Io sighed. 'Play by the _rules, _please.' Cassanite just pulled a face and went back to poker-fencing with both Destiny and Anoia at once. Anoia was still wielding the ravaged toasting fork.

Fate and the Lady remained in the centre of it all, duelling ferociously. Astoria (goddess of love) watched them for a while, until the god of blacksmiths, Bmuhtymwo, tried to reforge her poker into a circlet of iron.

**Hope you liked it.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2-because I can't stop myself and I love Cassanite. A goddess of alchemy is too much fun to write. And francium is a real element and the most powerful alkali metals-which react **_**extremely**_** violently with water (nerd lecture over). **

Cassanite was enjoying this. It was exactly the kind of thing a goddess of alchemy could get used to-violent, confused chaos. Usually she was invoked in desperate, a-little-too-late prayers, from alchemists who could see the tube bubbling over in a manner that hinted at imminent explosion. In fact, her only regular worshipper was a vampire named Cassandra who had the advantage of being an immortal alchemist with a talent for pulling herself together after the inevitable explosion. Technically Cassanite was also member of the oh gods as the commonest cry she heard was 'oh gods who put the francium in the sink?', or similar ('oh gods the crucible's really hit the flame now' was another popular one).

Cassanite was busy starting a divine feud with Anoia. Minor goddess always bicker. On reflection she probably shouldn't have burnt up her cigarette. It had made Anoia moody, and led to some notably savage thrusts of the golden toasting fork.

Twirl, slash, bat one of Blind Io's eyes away, dive behind pillar, laugh, stab, dodge, twist and...Cassanite _loved _this.

The poker was at Anoia's throat. With a maniac laugh Cassanite lifted a slender wrist upwards and disappeared in a cloud of acrid blue smoke, murmuring 'I always win.' The effect was rather spoilt when Fate's poker almost did her some serious damage, as she reappeared on the other side of the hall.

Offler, a fang still missing, was cackling in a nastily feral manner, as he tried to stab a rather flustered Astoria with a toasting fork.


End file.
